Kamu tak tahu.

Its been a while, my dear blog.

What do I want to say? What should I say?

Hm.. first things first, I'm still alive. Gloriously alive.
And it took a while, but I can see the light again. And I'm almost back to my old self again.
I'm climbing out of the depression hole, and I'm moving forward again.

But hey. That's life, right?
People don't stay stagnant, no matter how much they claimed to be.
Not all change is bad, though. Sometimes, changes let us grow into a better person.

Like they say, "Every cloud has a silver lining". Sometimes, even gold lining, but maybe that's just me.

Sometimes, after losing a priceless treasure, you learn to treasure the littlest thing that you have, and those became your new treasures.
And everything will fall into place once again.

The End of the Holiday

Its been a while since I blogged.
Maybe its because I'm recovering from my breakup.
Maybe its because of the holiday, and I feel like I want to do everything except updating my blog. Haha.

But the holiday is almost over. And I dread of going back to that place. Even though it's only for one more semester.

After that, it'll be a new beginning. Again.
I'm thinking of switching my course. I seriously can not imagine myself as an engineer. But the pay..
Ugh. So many choices to make in life.
And I still have a lot of years ahead of me. That is, if this world doesn't end in the next month like what everybody is saying.

I hate it when I wake up and my first thought is you. It leaves me depressed throughout the day.

Haunting Memories

How dare you.
How dare you say I treated you like shit.

I gave my everything into that relationship.
How dare you say all my efforts are shit.

You are selfish and immature.
Worst yet, you don't even realized you are.

Jealousy and anger will break your every relationship.
I hope you will realize that soon. Or you'll never find happiness.

I will lie.

No matter what I say.
Not yet, not now. Not tonight.

But I'm sure someday. Some sweet day.
And I will anticipate that day, everyday. I will pray for that day, everyday.

For now, let's just keep this a secret. Between me and my heart. My secret. 

Boys will be boys.

It's over.
It really is.
There's nothing left for me there.

There's no point going back into the arms who hates who you are.

If I wasn't so blind, I would have seen it earlier.
All the signs. They were there. I just refused to see them.

If he truly loved me, he wouldn't have asked me to change.
If he truly loved me, he would have hang on.
He would have accepted me and all my flaws. And love me, for who I am.

I was the only one who felt like that. All that while.

Oh well. I'll do better next time I fall in love.

God is Love.

God has a tremendous amount of patience.
Ever since Adam and Eve, humankind has been doing mistakes and has displeased God innumerable times.
And yet He's still hoping that we will return to Him.

One cannot imagine the pain He went through, when He decided to send His Son into this world to be condemned, and executed, by humans that He love the most.
But He did it, and the path to heaven was opened for us.

And more than 2000 years later, humans are still displeasing God. Maybe not all of them. But certainly most of them. Of course, that includes me.
And yet, He is still waiting for us to come back to Him.
There is no greater Love to be found.

In that same way, I have decided to wait for him who I love the most.
It doesn't matter how many years it will take.
I'll wait for him forever if I have to.
My heart is telling me that I will only feel this way about someone once in my life.
I'll wait patiently for him to realize that my love is true.
And I will receive him with open arms, if he ever wants to come back to me.  
I am not God. I am too weak and too selfish to wait for that one person.
Because even though I loved him, he hurts me.
I am only one of God's creation. And I have decided that if that person doesn't want my love, then I should give my love to someone else.

Namida.

I will cry.
I will cry until the last drop of tears fall from my eyes.
Until this wound heals.
Until these tears dull this scar.

Until I finally move on.

Raining tears

I'm still hurting.
If it's anything, it's getting more and more painful.
I was never this heartbroken about anything. Ever.

He meant the world to me..
I did everything I could just to see his smile.
And I sulked just to see him running to console me..

But I loved him dearly. So dearly.
Friends say let go. Family say he doesn't deserve me.

But maybe I am the one who doesn't deserve him..
Maybe he was the one trying so hard to love me as I am. And I made it harder for him, instead of easier.
I knew I was lucky. I knew I was never gonna find someone like him again.
I hold on to him, I clung onto him.
But somewhere along the way, he grew tired with me.
And I grew tired of apologizing for being me.

I let him go. Because I promised him so.
And now that he has found another, it hurts. Because my greatest fear is now a reality.
I can be replaced. Just like that.
I was nothing special.
I am replaced.

I still remember his promises.
The way his skin feels against my finger.
The softness of his hair.
His scent. His voice.
I remember all of him.
But he's now in the arms of another.
And all I have is this blog where I pour out everything I want to say without saying it.
 

Determined

Yes, I still feel strongly about you.
Yes, I am still looking back.
Yes, I am not over you.
And I don't know if I will ever love anyone the way I love you.

But I am determined. Determined not to be weak. Determined not to succumb to this feeling of hopelessness. Determined not to let you hold me back.

I still would like us to end up together, that much is true.
But I will not beg for it anymore. I won't beg you for another chance. Ever again.

That is my determination.

Moving on. Pfft.

11 months of being together. And a month after breaking up, he has another. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I feel like puking. I feel like puking when I imagine him with another.
I feel like puking when I think of him.

11 months, is that a such a short time to be with someone that you completely get over her in a month's time after breaking up? huh?

I REGRETTED ever having loving you.
I DESPISED the fact that I fell for a shitty guy like you.
You're NOT worth my time.
You're not worth my tears.
You're not worth my memories.
You're not worthy of me. Period.

You better stay away, because the next time we meet, it'll be my fist greeting your face.

Relationships

Relationships.

 Basically, it means interactions with those you care about. They can be friends, family members, lovers, colleagues, etc.

I have a lot of relationships. And to me, relationships are treasures. Meant to be cherished.
So, I try to cherish all my relationships equally.
Up until recently, there was no problem in that area.

And then I fell in love. And I started to cherish this one particular relationship above the rest. Everything went well for a while. Splendidly well.
I started to ignore everything else, only focusing on this relationship. I was just so desperate to keep this relationship.

Before long, it all turned upside down. Death in the family. My mother. I couldn't believe it.
I couldn't believe it.
I had always thought she was going to be there for me forever. Well, not forever..

Let me tell you something. The pain of losing someone isn't as painful as being left behind. It isn't.
Still living, remembering, and unable to do anything, that hurts.
Being left behind, that hurts.

Recently, that most cherished relationship of mine ended. I was numb for a while. And I thought, I can get through this. I have a lot more relationships. With friends, families. I'll be fine.

But it's been a month now. And the pain is still there. Some days it went dull. Some days it would be so sharp, I feel like it just happened yesterday.
Today, its one of the latter days.

I wonder if he still thinks about me, just like I am still thinking of him.
I wonder if there's anything I can do to fix it. I wonder if I am too late to fix it.
He's still alive. I am still alive.
Do we really have no more chance? 
 

Pride, Love, Hate.

Pride.
It has a way of destroying people. Destroying feelings. Destroying every and all chance of healing.
Love.
It has a way of blinding people to the pure and agonizing truth.
Hate.
It simply closes all doors to love.

As humans, these three feelings are the ones we truly hang on to. No matter where, who, or how different our customs are. No matter how heartless we claim to be, these three feelings are still present within us.

 

Anger

Angry at everything that happened between us.

If this is what it all ended into, might as well didn't begin at all.

Pain. Painful. So painful. But nothing could be done. Nothing to be done. The damage is done.
Now waiting for time to heal everything.

He was my pillar. He was my hope. He was my future. He was who I lived to be with.
And now he left me behind.
My strength wavers. My future became disoriented. My heart is filled with tsunami.
All is shaking and breaking and being swept away by this powerful emotion; Anger.

On the outside, I couldn't do anything much. Because that is not who I am. No matter how angry I am, you will just never see it from my actions.
Only words and phrases betray what I am feeling inside.

And no matter how angry I am, I can never lose my rationality.
The frustration of being me. I can always see possible reasons behind everything and everyone's action. 
Even when I hate that person to the core. I can always see reasons.

Shit.

Definition: fecal matter, excrement.
Slang definition: many meanings.

Considered vulgar. Not used in formal speech. Usually used by writer when utterly displeased with something, someone.

Shit happens. Love can be shitty. This feeling is the shite (British and Irish English).

Shit. Never should have come here.
Wish writer have a time machine to go back to 2010. 2009 all the better.
Or a memory altering machine that can erase specific memories. But said writer prefers the first solution.

Go back in time, when all was well. But said writer foolishly wanted more.
Now said writer is regretting what she wished for.

Source of definition: Wikipedia. 

Even the stars burn...

Grazele posted this song link on my wall, a while back. It was shortly after I've lost my late mum.
I've always loved Jason Mraz's songs. And this became one of my favourite instantly. :)

There's something about the lyrics.. Deep. And..beautiful..
The whole song just touches my heart the moment I heard it.
No.. More like..my heart connected with it (said song).

So. I'm gonna share some of the lyrics here. :)
Couldn't help myself. A good song deserved to be shared.

When I'm looking into your eyes
It's like watching a night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold

And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be patiently waiting
To see what you find

Cause even the stars
They burn
Some even fall to the Earth
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot they teaches us how to
use the tools and gifts we've got
yeah, we've got a lot at stake
And then the end you're still my friend
At least we did intend for us to work
We didn't break
We didn't burn
We had to learn
how to bend, without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got,
What I'm not 
And who I am.. 
-Jason Mraz: I won't give up-

Well, there's more to the song... But I think I wrote too much already.
Recently I've had a little of a rough patch. And I wasn't myself these past few days.

But listening to this song reminds me. There's a lot going on out there. And I myself decide whether to join in or not. There is more to this world than my problems.
The sky. The sea. The mountains. All so vast and I am but a speck compared to them.

And now I feel so foolish to let such a thing as a heartbreak breaks my spirit. 
I am much tougher than this.
I am so much stronger than this.
And I can be so much more than this. Evolve. Change. There is no limit to my spirit.
Because that is God's gift to me.
His very breath. God's breath lives in me.
I'm still looking up.

Some random japanese lyrics..

daisuki na hito ga tooi
toosugite nakitaku naru no
ashita me ga sametara
hora kibou ga umareru kamo
Good night!

-Aya Hirano: Lost my music-

I really try to be true to my feelings when I blog, but whenever I start to write something, my mind goes, 'hey, make it more dramatic! Add this here, use that word there. Why don't you use this word instead?'
So yeah, it's kinda hard to remember what made me wanna blog at the time..
...
It's happening again.

*shakes head* Sigh...
Let's pick a new topic. Goals. My goals this semester.
Haha. Yeah, I remember the time when I was setting goals for the year. Back during the school days. But not anymore. I'm an undergraduate now. And my years have turned into semesters.

Goals:

Raise my CGPA. Not willing to elaborate further, because I'm afraid it might not come true.


It's okay. Everything will be alright. I was always alone to begin with.

I want one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_-HKkEXkGY&feature=related

Oh my goodness, I just have to share this with you guys!

I hate you

But I love you.

I wasn't lying! I WASN'T LYING! Why wouldn't you believe me. I am NOT her! I will never be like her!
What is wrong with you?? Urgh. I'm so angry. Just because you met some stoopid chick in the past, you don't trust all chicks now??
Great. I trusted you! I believed in you! Why won't you believe in me?!

I mean, DID I EVER LIE TO YOU BEFORE? NO, RIGHT??
SO WHY WOULD I START NOW?!

Annoying jerk. But still, I can't let you go. Even if I want to. I can't.

Deactivated

 My facebook account is deactivated. Just letting you guys know.

Mother's Day

Its Mother's Day. And for me, this will be the first of many Mother's Day to come without my mum. I know I may sound self-pitying, but I'm tired today. And I wanna let it out.

When she was alive, i never really said to her all the things I want to say to her.
I was never really good with words anyway.
Mummy, Happy Mother's Day.

I cried a lot lately. And I fought with my housemate too. Now its so tense between us, like a string about to snap. I wish I am brave enough to show my true colour to everyone here. I think it's because I'm so gentle and passive all the time, they started to think that I'm some sort of idiot with no feelings. They just say and tease me as they like because they know I wouldn't snap back.

Well, I snapped. And now I feel bad about it. I wish I'm back home.

Death

I realized that I'm a lazy blogger. haha. Other bloggers would upload some pictures at least.
Well, it's only words here. Again, I suggest you (whoever you are) to check out other blogs. Theirs are much more interesting than mine.

Of course, you are welcome to stay, if you prefer. :)

I had just finished re-reading Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet in Heaven".
This time, I cried. Openly cried.
What changed? Well...maybe because I was touched by death.
Only, it didn't hit me. It hit my mother.
My late mother.

I wonder if she'll be one of my five people.. When it's my turn.

Exam season. Aaaaand here I am! Onlining and playing games and sleeping.Basically doing everything EXCEPT the one thing that I should really be doing,


studying.


Oh my gosh, what am I thinking?? I have a paper tomorrow, and I cant even bring myself to open the notes. UGH.
I'm disgusted with myself.

well..that's all for now. I'm gonna go back to my game. 

It's Gotta Be You

It's been almost a hundred days. And not a day goes by without me thinking the cursed, 'what if, what if' possibility.

The house is not the same anymore. Family reunions are not the same anymore. 

I guess that's what happens when you've lived with someone you entire life, 

then they left without any warning.

There is always that one empty spot. Always.