Push harder. Contradict. And fly.

22 years old now. A lot has changed in the past 5 years. And I never thought I would see myself on this road, 5 years ago, but here I am. Nothing goes the way I planned, but my goals are achieved nonetheless. To the Lord goes the credits. And my family. And my mother and grandma in heaven (please continue to watch over me). Last but not least, the friends that have been with me all this time, those who were with me at my darkest hours, and those who grabbed me when I stumbled, even as they were just passing by.

Yes, I like to use metaphors to describe my life. Metaphors just sounds more..beautiful than plain words. And it helps to camouflage my lacking vocabulary. 

I just realised that I'm a daredevil (if I may say so myself). Or maybe a masochist. Depends on your perspective.

Why do I say so? 

Let's rewind to 2000 until 2009. My most hated subject is Mathematics. Because I suck at it. I was terrified of Mathematics because I couldn't find the right answer more than half of the time. 

And yet I applied for a course in engineering, which is 80% Mathematics and 20% everything else. WHYY.

Luckily I made it through that 3 year. And now am a proud holder of Diploma in Civil Engineering (Construction). Hehe. 

I am no leader. My confidence level is an all-time-low. I am terrified of being in the spotlight because I am afraid of making a fool of myself. I am afraid of being laughed at. 

I tried to be just a clerk. A nobody. Asal ada income kan? But most companies don't want to hire someone with my qualifications to be just a clerk. They would ask me to aim higher. 

So I made another daredevil choice. I applied for a short course in Safety and Health Officer at Sabah Skills and Technology Centre (SSTC). Which requires people to stood out from the rest because it's a part of the job description. Again. WHYYYY.

See what I mean? All my choices so far is breaking me out of my comfort zone. I don't know anyone else who do what I do with their life. But if I ever meet anyone else who does this, I'll be careful. Haha. Because he/she might be as unpredictable and as contradictory. 

Try

Pretty Hurts. Try. Its All About The Bass.
All very inspirational songs. All with the same meaning. "Love yourself".

Yes, I have to say, I have that perfection disease as well. My looks, my hair, my clothes need match and branded. My weight, my body shape needs to be slim and toned and...perfect. My makeup is used as mask to hide my dull, bare face.

My head knows that what is important is self-confidence. But makeup can help right? Perfumes can help boosts self-confidence, right? How you dress can affect how people react to you. If you dress nicely people treat you nicely, right? And that will boost your self-confidence, no?

So, you see. Talking about loving yourself. Its one of the hardest things to do, for me. I was never taught to "love myself". I was taught to be humble, put others before myself. To "love myself" sounds selfish to me. It's the mindset I grew up with. It's what made me how I am today. It used to be so bad that I hated looking at myself in the mirror.

But I do try to be confident. I just needed some of those things to feel confident in myself. I just cannot love myself without them.

In other words, you could say that I hate my bare soul. And I'm drowning in my own self-hatred.
Oh, I am such a masochist.