I hate it when I wake up and my first thought is you. It leaves me depressed throughout the day.

Haunting Memories

How dare you.
How dare you say I treated you like shit.

I gave my everything into that relationship.
How dare you say all my efforts are shit.

You are selfish and immature.
Worst yet, you don't even realized you are.

Jealousy and anger will break your every relationship.
I hope you will realize that soon. Or you'll never find happiness.

I will lie.

No matter what I say.
Not yet, not now. Not tonight.

But I'm sure someday. Some sweet day.
And I will anticipate that day, everyday. I will pray for that day, everyday.

For now, let's just keep this a secret. Between me and my heart. My secret. 

Boys will be boys.

It's over.
It really is.
There's nothing left for me there.

There's no point going back into the arms who hates who you are.

If I wasn't so blind, I would have seen it earlier.
All the signs. They were there. I just refused to see them.

If he truly loved me, he wouldn't have asked me to change.
If he truly loved me, he would have hang on.
He would have accepted me and all my flaws. And love me, for who I am.

I was the only one who felt like that. All that while.

Oh well. I'll do better next time I fall in love.

God is Love.

God has a tremendous amount of patience.
Ever since Adam and Eve, humankind has been doing mistakes and has displeased God innumerable times.
And yet He's still hoping that we will return to Him.

One cannot imagine the pain He went through, when He decided to send His Son into this world to be condemned, and executed, by humans that He love the most.
But He did it, and the path to heaven was opened for us.

And more than 2000 years later, humans are still displeasing God. Maybe not all of them. But certainly most of them. Of course, that includes me.
And yet, He is still waiting for us to come back to Him.
There is no greater Love to be found.

In that same way, I have decided to wait for him who I love the most.
It doesn't matter how many years it will take.
I'll wait for him forever if I have to.
My heart is telling me that I will only feel this way about someone once in my life.
I'll wait patiently for him to realize that my love is true.
And I will receive him with open arms, if he ever wants to come back to me.  
I am not God. I am too weak and too selfish to wait for that one person.
Because even though I loved him, he hurts me.
I am only one of God's creation. And I have decided that if that person doesn't want my love, then I should give my love to someone else.

Namida.

I will cry.
I will cry until the last drop of tears fall from my eyes.
Until this wound heals.
Until these tears dull this scar.

Until I finally move on.

Raining tears

I'm still hurting.
If it's anything, it's getting more and more painful.
I was never this heartbroken about anything. Ever.

He meant the world to me..
I did everything I could just to see his smile.
And I sulked just to see him running to console me..

But I loved him dearly. So dearly.
Friends say let go. Family say he doesn't deserve me.

But maybe I am the one who doesn't deserve him..
Maybe he was the one trying so hard to love me as I am. And I made it harder for him, instead of easier.
I knew I was lucky. I knew I was never gonna find someone like him again.
I hold on to him, I clung onto him.
But somewhere along the way, he grew tired with me.
And I grew tired of apologizing for being me.

I let him go. Because I promised him so.
And now that he has found another, it hurts. Because my greatest fear is now a reality.
I can be replaced. Just like that.
I was nothing special.
I am replaced.

I still remember his promises.
The way his skin feels against my finger.
The softness of his hair.
His scent. His voice.
I remember all of him.
But he's now in the arms of another.
And all I have is this blog where I pour out everything I want to say without saying it.
 

Determined

Yes, I still feel strongly about you.
Yes, I am still looking back.
Yes, I am not over you.
And I don't know if I will ever love anyone the way I love you.

But I am determined. Determined not to be weak. Determined not to succumb to this feeling of hopelessness. Determined not to let you hold me back.

I still would like us to end up together, that much is true.
But I will not beg for it anymore. I won't beg you for another chance. Ever again.

That is my determination.