Rescue me.

Today is Sunday. Sundays are supposed to be happy. Because its a holiday and I get to go to Mass, the place where I can just forget about my turbulent world, and focus on God, for an hour, every week. Sunday is my sanctuary day. It was supposed to be.

Today, however, did not go according to that plan.
I woke up feeling tired because I had a restless sleep. It felt as if I was half-awake, half-sleeping the entire night. In that condition, I went to get ready for Mass.

I was walking fast, while my eyelids were half-shut, because I was afraid that the bus would leave without me.

She didn't even bother to stop by my room anymore. Guess she was too busy 'layan-ing' all them hot mamas. So I was left alone, to walk to the bus depot alone. I don't really mind though, I am a bad company in the mornings.

And the bus left for church and after Mass we had brunch together, and then we walked back together to where the bus was waiting. The bus stopped by Aeon (its a shopping mall, nearest one to my campus). I looked at her to see if she wanted to come along. She said she wanted to, the night before. To my disappointment, she shook her head. I asked her a couple of times before already. To accompany me go shopping. I mean, she doesn't mind it before, and I always accompany her too, when she asked.
But not anymore.
I am envious of that girl (her room mate). She accompanies her everywhere. And she always turns me down now. I feel like I've lost a friend.
Maybe I'm just over thinking it. But that's how I felt at the moment. I felt so alone.

Being in Aeon alone is next to suicidal to me. Because it holds so many memories of my past. The past that I don't want to remember. When I'm with a friend, I can kinda forget about it a little, but when I'm alone, all the memories replayed like movie clips.
But I had to buy the things I needed. So, I had no choice. By sheer will, I hold back my tears, and walked with my head up.

After a short while, I finished what I had to do. I didn't buy much. Just what I needed. I was holding back from window shopping too, for fear that I will forget about the time. I don't want to get back to campus too late. Test season is coming up, and I need to boost my grades. Although, I allowed myself to have a little treat, a cake slice from Secret Recipe. I tapau it though. I wanted to eat it after I get back to my room.

I didn't want to take the bus (its gonna be full, because its Sunday), so I called this kereta sapu that I am familiar with. He asked how many people, and I said just me. He said, "how will you pay? If there are more people I am willing to drive there." Then he asked me to just wait for the bus. At that point, my strength left me. My tears were threatening to spill, but I refused to cry at the bus stop. So I walked back to Aeon to find some place quiet to cry. Just as I reached the doors, a bus came roaring past the bus stop I just left. And I lost it.

I walked as quickly as I could to the nearest toilet, went to the bench nearby, and as I sit down, tears spill. I honestly don't know why I was being so moody today. But I was. I ate the cake slice there and then. It must have been quite a sight, me eating cake with tears. hahaha. But it didn't felt funny at all. I felt so angry, so useless, so un-needed in this place.
My mind was whirling so fast, I can barely keep track of what I thought of, and the irrationality of it all.
I thought of a lot of things. I thought of why did I ever came here. I thought of my late mum and my late grandma. I thought of my dad, and wondered if he was lying to me this whole time. I thought of why I left my ex. I thought of the ex who left me. I thought of that pretty girl who always get what she wants, attention even when she doesn't want it. I was angry at them all. I was angry at myself. And all the time I was crying, I thought of the eyeliner that I was wearing, and how smudged I thought it will look when I'm done crying. I even thought of how loud my sobs were, and if people can hear me sobbing. I thought of how embarrassed I would be if they found out it was me who was crying. 

After a good few minutes, I finally calmed down. And I waited until I was sure nobody was in the toilet to get a look at my puffed-up face. When I looked at the mirror, I was shocked. My eyes were reddish, and so was my nose. But no eyeliner smudge anywhere. I was half glad about that. So, I washed my face, especially my eyes, so that it wouldn't look so puffy when I go out of the toilet.

I got onto a bus shortly afterwards. Luckily there were some room left in the bus. I had to stand, but at least I still have some space around me. Thank God.
After reaching my campus, I finally started to feel okay. Everythings gonna be alright.

That hope was short-lived. I logged on to FB sometime this evening.
To my shock (and surprisingly a small sharp pain in the chest) I found out that my ex was engaged.
Well.. That discovery was like salt upon my wound. I know, I was the one who left him. But that doesn't mean I never felt anything for him during our relationship. Yes, he hurt me. But I cared for him, for months.
He moved on, I'm happy. But at the same time, it made me feel worthless.

And the whole time, my mind was telling me to stop being so selfish. Let the man be happy. This world does not revolve around me.
I kept praying to God. "Please, give me the strength. You must have a plan for me. I trust in You. Please give me strength".

Catch My Breath

Currently listening to Kelly C. Yes, I like using song titles as the titles of my posts.
Somehow I find it amusing and fitting.
There are times when I get really surprised at how relatable the song is to my current situation.

Which just goes to show how similar humans really are.
We feel the same emotions. We react in similar ways.

And once again, I'm reminded of how small and inferior I am. I'm smaller than a dot, on the map of the world.
But here I still am. Here I still stand.
And I am more lost than ever.

I remembered, there's this questionnaire that we used to ask each other back in school.
One of the question was, "use one word to describe the ocean".

And the word I used was, "vast".
Turns out the ocean symbolizes Life. The word I used to describe the ocean, was how I look at life. I don't know how accurate the whole questionnaire is, but when you think about it, the two things are kinda the same...
Now that I've lived a few years more than I did back then.
If I were asked the same question again, I would answer it quite differently. VERY differently.


I think my English has rusted. Hm.